Cowboys fans give me the chills

11 08 2010

If you were in Canton Ohio this past weekend and hate the Dallas Cowboys; then you entered you’re own personal hell. (forgive me, this may be my longest post you’ll ever see from me)

While working for network television the past three seasons, often great sporting events come hand in hand with the job, and this past weekend was no different. It was my first time attending the NFL Hall of Fame and obviously my first time there for an induction weekend. Unfortunately for myself, I choose the weekend that king asshole of the Cowboys was being inducted and get one rat in the HOF and the cockroach fans will follow in droves. Upon entering the city, I was slapped in the face immediately with Cowboys jerseys, car flags and just assholes walking around everywhere.

The Cowboys are about as enjoyable as kick to the balls for me, the only relief coming when the Eagles are able to step up and manhandle them. That’s a lie, when they lose big games, I enjoy that tremendously.

Entering Ohio you kinda get that deep South feel to it and after stopping to get gas did we learn that the station was cash only….think about that, its 2010 close to 2011 and this place didn’t have credit or debit usage. Arriving at the actual Hall of Fame museum around 6 pm, when arriving I see a bunch of security guards blocking off the entrance. After talking with security I learn the museum is closed for the rest of the night for the FUCKING Cowboys team. Unfortunately I subjected myself to watching that bag of shit Tony Romo and his Kangol hat walk out and talk with jock sniffing Cowboys TV. Direct knee shot to my nuts.

Then later that night while in the hotel room I decided to watch some of the induction speeches. Chris Berman introduced all the players after giving his own induction after receiving the Pete Rozelle radio & television award. And Mr. Berman was kind enough to grace us with the longest speech of the weekend, like we actually give a FUCK?! Berman’s speech was 28 minutes, 28!! The next closest was Emmitt Smith’s of course at 21 minutes! While watching in the hotel, I couldn’t handle Emmitt talking anymore and flipped over to Shark Week for a little while, then flipped back to ESPN to see the rest of the speeches to find….EMMITT STILL FUCKING TALKING! The cockroaches in the stands of course fed his ego by going absolutely ape-shit in the stands, all weekend Emmitt received the biggest cheers of anyone because of the cockroach infestation in the stands. It went Berman 28 minutes, Emmitt 21 minutes, Jerry Rice 16 minutes, Dick LeBeau (who is a real bro) 18 minutes, Russ Grimm 9 minutes, Floyd Little 8 minutes, Rickey Jackson 8 minutes and finally John Randle with a succinct 4 minute speech. Quicks sum up of the speeches were, Rickey Jackson might have knocked some nuts loose, cause the man’s intelligence level was probably that of a 4th grader, seriously one of the worst fucking speeches I’ve ever had to sit through. Floyd Little found himself a new career as a motivational speaker. The man was fucking moving, “the best in you is better than the worst in most my friends, find the best in yourself!” Floyd made me want to go to the bar and order 15 shots of Jameson and become the best that I could be. Seriously, speech of the weekend goes to Mr. Little, moving shit, there were almost tears shed, the last time I almost got choked up was while watching the flick Click on a cross country flight, that movie had a fucking sad ass ending and if you don’t think the same you can get fucked.

Woke up early the next morning to see the Hall of Fame before work and was able to weasel my way in for free with the credential. It’s a great museum, the Hall of Heads is a great thing and for sports geeks like myself, it’s about as good as sex. Although spotted were two “violations” one of which deeply disturbed me. Leaving the hall a painting caught the corner of my eye, it was this….

This is a direct slap in the face of Philadelphia. We all know that the heart of Reggie White’s career came in Philly and I’m even ok with the fact that he’s in a Green Bay uniform. But sacking Randall Cunningham!?? Those are two of my top three Eagles of all time, and I have to see them facing off against each other? Not right, not fucking right at all! There were around 25 other QB’s too be painted and they had to choose Randall! This painting kills me, what even kills me more is finding out via the Hall of Fame, that this painting came from Reggie’s LIVING ROOM!!!!! I called the Hall and found out the painter’s information and contacted him, he was contracted by Mr. White to paint it, turns out Reggie’s post-Eagles sack came against Mr. Cunningham. When Reggie was inducted into the Hall, he donated it because Reggie was one of the first big names to make a major splash in free agency and this painting in Reggie’s eyes signified that impact. Reggie was so hurt by that ass-bag Norman Braman (worst owner in Philly history) not keeping his franchise player in town for the rest of his career, he let the Minister of Defense should have never left town, period. Maybe eventually I will get over this. PAIN.

The second violation comes at another part of the Hall. One part has the team helmets and team information, i.e. owner, amount of championships and championships. Most teams here had an all time great player life size photo as the backdrop to the display, the niners had Steve Young, the Bills had Jim Kelly and I get to the Eagles expecting to see Chuck Bednarik or maybe even Donovan McNabb, but alas who do I see……DeSean Jackson. This is a lot of pressure to put on someone who just finished their second season in the league! Being Desean’s biggest fan, even I couldn’t get behind this one, violation indeed.

Typical day of work leading up until game-time. Seven pm rolls around and the players all take the field. Typical warm-ups and players listening to their iPod’s and dancing around like they’re in a fucking club, you’re on a football field, stop dancing….PACMAN! Then I noticed the media & fans starting to swarm, swarming around of course, the fucking circus. Ocho Cinco and T.O. a.k.a the Batman and Robin show. Both wearing their borderline Brokeback tights, both jogged together, ran routes together, stretched together, drank water together, they could not leave each others sides. All game long, wherever you saw Ocho Cinco you certainly saw T.O. It was borderline pathetic, puppy dog following his owner that abuses him type of weirdness happening.

The game itself was one of the worst fucking sporting event I’ve ever experienced in my life. Just brutal, the starters played literally one series and then it was scrub time. Fucking injuries every other second, no sustained drives, a lot of three and out’s, it was the equivalent of walking in on my parent’s trying to conceive another child. Just brutal, what was even more brutal was that it was the Cowboys playing a team I couldn’t give two shits about. And they won. Not only that but at halftime they had the 50th anniversary of the Cowboys Franchise. They donated a star from the old stadium and the first ever game ball from the new stadium, who gives a shit about those donations, they are weak fucking sauce, besides a Cowboys fan who cares? No one, that’s who. Jerry Jones the richest owner in the league, and this is the best donation they can come up with for the greatets shrine the sport has, fucking weak Jerry, step up your game, for the self proclaimed America’s Team you would think you could at least donate some skid-mark stained Romo game pants from when Trent Cole was sacking his ass all over the field. And the proverbial icing on the cake was they gave me a soundtrack to my own personal hell….

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